When Love Isn’t Love: My Journey Through Divorce

Divorce—it's not a pretty word, and it's not a pretty thing to walk through, especially as a believer. I grew up being taught that divorce was one of the worst things you could choose, and the only justifiable reasons were infidelity or being unequally yoked, where the unbelieving spouse walked away. But no one ever talked about what to do if there was abuse.

Maybe you're thinking, Well, the answer is obvious. But as more domestic violence cases come to light, so does the complexity of these situations. I want to give you a peek into my divorce story—not for attention, because this is incredibly vulnerable—but to raise awareness and speak up about something that should have never happened.

How It Started

I grew up in an unstable household, where love felt complicated and conditional. So when, as a teenager, I started dating a boy who told me I was pretty and gave me attention, I was hooked. It felt so good to feel wanted.

Slowly, as our relationship developed, he started to grow mean. But it was hard to understand because he wasn’t always mean. We had high highs and low lows. When he was mad at me, nothing in the world mattered more than fixing it. I didn’t care what he said to me or how he treated me. In fact, when he called me "stupid head" or "piece of crap," I agreed with him. Being a people-pleaser to a fault made the situation even trickier.

It wasn’t always bad. We laughed together, we had fun, and I truly believed that the bad parts were just a normal part of relationships. I had grown up in a home where arguments happened—sometimes in the open, sometimes behind closed doors—so I assumed this was just the way things were.

When things were good, they were really good. I felt like the prettiest girl in the world. He would say things like, I can’t live without you. I need you. and I believed him. I mentioned earlier we grew up in church, and the next step as a believer for a couple who had been dating for a few years was to get married. So that’s what we did.

The Warning Signs

Maybe you’re wondering why my friends or family didn’t step in. But actually some of them did. I remember as a teenager my sisters sat me down one day and told me how much I had changed—that I had become mean, sad, and selfish. But my first reaction was, They don’t know what they’re talking about. They’re jealous because I’m in love and they’re not.

I shut them out, and they had to make the hard choice to either walk away or support me. And even though they disagreed with my decision, they chose to support me anyway.

At that point in my life despite that I grew up in church and had prayed a prayer to give my life to the Lord, I didn’t walk with the Holy Spirit. I would have called myself a Christian, but I didn’t know what that actually meant. I wasn’t looking for God’s guidance. I was intoxicated by the sin and the attention, desperate to make him happy, and even felt a burden to keep his family happy.

But over time, the words he called me—stupid, worthless—became my own inner dialogue. My self-esteem was so low that I didn’t think I was worth anything.

When Things Changed

Fast forward to today, and I barely recognize the person I was back then.

Some friends—who are more like family—saw red flags and stepped in, walking with me through some of the hardest moments of my life. Because of them, I found the courage to separate from my husband and take time to heal, process, and learn what it truly meant to have a relationship with the Lord.

Someone once told me that abuse is when a spouse, who made vows before the Lord, fails to honor those sacred commitments. That stuck with me because Scripture speaks clearly about the weight of marriage vows and the call to love, cherish, and reflect Christ’s love in that covenant (Ephesians 5:25-33). While the Bible primarily addresses unfaithfulness in terms of adultery, it also calls for husbands and wives to treat each other with love, respect, and honor (1 Peter 3:7, Colossians 3:19). When a spouse repeatedly breaks that trust through harm, manipulation, or neglect, they are failing to live out the covenant God designed for marriage.

I did not take divorce lightly. I wrestled with it. I begged God for clarity. If there was healing to be had—if redemption was possible—I was willing. But after much time, healing, and a million conversations with God, my first marriage ended in divorce.

And it probably saved my life.

You Are Worth More

If you are dating someone who has more red flags than green—or if any of this sounds familiar—or if you have questions, please, please reach out to me.

I promise to give you a judgment-free space to ask questions, share what you’re walking through, or just talk.

And if your heart is sinking as you read this—if you’re thinking, There’s no way out, or No one else will ever love me—that is not true.

I love you. Jesus loves you.

You are worth so much more than what a man says about you.

“The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit.” —Psalm 34:18